Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.

My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.

I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

- Author Unknown

Update - Babies and Life...

About a month ago (in May) I became pregnant. I tested with an early result test a few days before my period was due... It was Positive...

So anyway... This all caught Jimmy and I both by surprise. Jimmy more than me because he had no clue i was even considering taking a pregnancy test... We had talked previously and agreed that we may need to wait to have kids... BUT when we found out I was pregnant things quickly changed, and I mean quickly... It had to, we had no choice but to step up and be ready to raise a child. Jimmy was at work the day I found out I was pregnant and I felt bad because I called him with the news and there was nothing he could do because he was working... It was crazy. we both pondered it separately throughout the day and came home to discuss it. It turns out we both were more ready for children than we thought. It was a big relief because here we were... PREGNANT! We were happy, but reserved our excitement for a few days when we would have the pregnancy confirmed by a blood test.

Little did I know the at home test was "barely positive" by the time I got my blood test done at the OBGYN office my hCG level was only 7 ( if you know anything about hCG a level of <5 25 =" barely">25 = pregnant). The Dr told me to come back in two days to have my levels taken again... I didn't have to... That night I stated spotting and that progressed to heavily bleeding. I went in the next day to be told I was having an miscarriage AKA chemical pregnancy. The Dr says this is fairly common (something like 40% of all first time pregnancies end this way) and most times women do not know because their period just comes a little late, only really bad. He said it is most often due to some type of chromosomal defect in the blastocyst.

Because the Miscarriage occurred early on I didn't have to have a D & C. It happened naturally... It was definitely rough and very painful, both physically, mentally, and emotionally. I had prepared myself to have a baby and then it was gone... Just like that... This made me realize how much i really wanted a baby. I told Jimmy how I was feeling and he told me that he was basically waiting for me because I had always said I wanted to wait until after I get my masters degree... Well we talked more and have decided to try this summer to get pregnant... and stay pregnant...

So I guess we are officially trying to get pregnant...